When I woke up, I had become a complete woman.
At first I was stunned, then I started thinking, how did this happen? Last night I still remembered I was a man.
(Now I'm starting to recall last night's events) Yeah, I clearly remember drinking with a buddy until midnight last night, then we scrounged up some money from our pockets and went to a nearby hair-washing salon. At the door, my buddy said this salon has a prostitute who looks just as pretty as Song Zuying. At the time, I argued with him, red-faced and neck-bulging, for a long time. I said, Song Zuying is considered pretty? Zhao Wei is what you call pretty!
My buddy is an unreasonable person who shows no respect for my aesthetic taste. He actually said that someone like Zhao Wei, with eyes as big as a donkey's, has no femininity at all. Of course, I argued with him; I felt he insulted my idol. After a war of words, we both compromised because we realized that after drinking two bottles of Erguotou, our speech was becoming incoherent. Arguing drunkenly on the street like this was really damaging to our image, after all, we're both refined gentlemen.
Then my buddy modestly said: 'Right, right, Zhao Wei is still prettier. Let me tell you, that girl is as pretty as Zhao Wei.' I was very satisfied, nodded, and went in with him.
After searching for a long time, we finally found the one said to be as beautiful as Zhao Wei among a large flock of clucking chickens. After entering the room, we played rock-paper-scissors to decide who would go first. I lost.
My buddy said he wanted to show me the authentic Tiger Step from the 'Su Nu Jing.' So he lifted 'Zhao Wei's' big butt. Thinking about it now, that girl was far worse than the real Zhao Wei. My buddy started pulling out his 'gun' and officially got to work, thrusting in with a 'thud.' At that moment, I shouted: 'Wrong, your movement is wrong.' My buddy froze and asked me what was wrong. I said it's just wrong, you're not using your core strength, just stiffly thrusting forward, completely uncoordinated. Then I pushed him aside to demonstrate. Just as I thrust in, my buddy also shouted: 'Your movement is wrong too!' So he pushed me aside to demonstrate for me. Later, we went back and forth like this, refining it forty or fifty times, arguing until our faces were red. That's when the 'Zhao Wei' who had been lying there for over half an hour cried: 'Aren't you just torturing me! My arms are numb, my legs are cramping.'
Now there's no point. It's dampened our enthusiasm for research work. Looks like we'll just have to rush through it. Everyone knows what it feels like when that kind of enthusiasm is interrupted. I was quite frustrated at the time. As a result, Zhao Wei messed around on me for over an hour (I like the man-on-bottom, woman-on-top position), and I still didn't come. Then Zhao Wei cried again: 'Why aren't you coming?' I said, 'Sorry, miss, stop messing around. Probably no hope.' So I got off the bed and let my buddy have his fun.
My poor buddy, just like me. In the end, we had no choice. We both had to awkwardly put our clothes back on and get out. When we came out, we were sneaking around, followed by Zhao Wei crying her eyes out. It confused the madam: 'What happened here? How did you make our Xiao Ju cry?'
We immediately took off running. At that moment, I heard Xiao Ju or Zhao Wei cursing behind us: 'Wuwu, I curse you to be reborn as women in your next lives! You scumbags.'
Thinking of this, I suddenly understood, slapping my forehead. Oh, so that's it! So it was because Zhao Wei cursed me to be a woman in my next life last night. But then I thought again, it's quite strange. She said 'next life', not 'the next day'. How did this happen? How did I sprint into the next life?
Now, thinking about anything is useless, I just have to face reality. There's a line in Mr. Lu Xun's novel: Old Shuan Hua 'felt his pocket; the hard object was still there.' Now I feel my crotch; it's empty, gone. Honestly, the feeling right now is particularly disheartening. Now I finally understand the meaning of the saying 'reality is cruel'—it's just too cruel. God didn't even discuss it with me, just muddle-headedly castrated me and then installed a different organ. I've become a woman.
The only consolation is that there are now two lumps of muscle on my chest that I used to fantasize about as uniquely female. Indeed, I always thought breasts were the most beautiful part of a woman's body, both visually and tactilely. But when these two things suddenly appeared on my own body upon waking up, I couldn't see them as something beautiful anymore; it just felt quite sad.
What can be done now? Only comfort myself, I have to face reality. Since childhood, parents and teachers have taught us: you must learn how to adapt to this society, how to adapt to this environment, how to adapt to this world. Well now, I also have to learn how to adapt to myself suddenly becoming a woman. Sartre said, what exists is reasonable. Now that I have indeed become a woman, according to this existentialist master, the phenomenon of me being a woman is completely reasonable. Damn it, Sartre is purely talking nonsense. If he himself woke up one day and found he had also become a woman, I wonder if he or she would still dare to pedantically say 'what exists is reasonable.'
There's no use in wild thoughts anymore. I think my ability to adapt to emergencies is pretty good. I now clearly understand that the first thing to do is handle the aftermath—some matters left over from when I was still a man. First are my parents, but that's easy to explain. I'm the second child at home; I have a much more accomplished older brother. When my parents had me, their original wish was for a girl. Unfortunately, heaven wasn't kind, resulting in this unfilial son. Now it's great. I can call my parents and say, 'Dad, Mom, by a twist of fate, your son has turned into a daughter, finally fulfilling your wish.' I expect they'll cry tears of joy. Really, I've never made my parents happy once in all these years. This is truly a big gift from heaven.
Now the urgent task is to break up with A Lei quickly. A Lei was my girlfriend when I was a man. It was really tough for us to be together, too tough—I mean it was tough for me, not for her. Because this woman is just too much to handle, the type who cries one moment, laughs the next, jumps around and is hysterical. To be honest, I'm a bit annoyed by her, but to get free sex, I reluctantly became her boyfriend. Old C always says I'm shameless, because one day I got drunk and told him about this sordid idea. Old C is the buddy who got drunk with me last night and then went to hire a prostitute. Actually, someone said it long ago: men love because of sex, women have sex because of love. That statement is so right, absolutely true. I think any man who denies this is hypocritical. So I'm not ashamed of this thought at all!
But now I’ve become a creature with the same attributes as her; just thinking about it is sad. Before, I was fucking others, and now others are fucking me. I’m finished. If you don’t have the diamond drill, don’t take on the porcelain work. As a warrior, if you’ve even lost your own gun, what the hell kind of battle can you fight? But I don’t have time for divergent thinking right now. I’d better hurry and call A Lei, ask her to come, and calmly discuss it with her. Sigh, I just hope everyone can stay calm.
"Hey, is A Lei there?" "I am, who are you?" "I’m Xiao Wu, do you have time today?" "You’re Xiao Wu?" "Yes, do you have time today?" "You’re Xiao Wu? I’m still Mrs. Thatcher. Where did this bored woman come from, so annoying!" "Smack", the phone was hung up. It was only when I heard the dial tone coming from the receiver here that I realized my own voice had also become soft and thin.
■■Transgender Diary 2 Section 2
Damn it! Why am I so stupid! How could I not have thought that my voice had changed!
I berated myself, then leaned back, collapsing dejectedly onto the bed. What should I do now? A Lei definitely wouldn't believe that the me on the phone was the real me and not a counterfeit product. But then again, I really am a counterfeit version of myself now. It's not that I disrespect women; the key is that suddenly having a different organ feels both awkward and infuriating! It's like ordering fish-flavored shredded pork at a restaurant, only for the waiter to stubbornly replace it with a plate of stinky tofu in brown sauce.
I sighed to the heavens: 'Oh heavens, you should give me an adaptation process! Changing my sex so abruptly, are you joking?' After a long while, there was no other movement in the room; the heavens didn't pay attention to me. I guess it's because the heavens are too busy to hear the heartfelt cry of a poor soul suddenly changed in sex among the vast sea of humanity.
Bored out of my mind, I casually picked up a porn DVD. I always used it as a mirror; the front showed a foreign girl with her legs spread wide, posing lewdly. The reflective side on the back was perfect for use as a mirror. In the disc was a face full of melancholy and exhaustion. I stared at myself in the DVD, feeling utterly miserable inside. Ah! No way, that liquid swirling in my eyes — could it be tears? It's over, it's over, completely over. Since I learned to masturbate at 14, for over 10 years I had never cried; I thought my tear ducts had probably atrophied. Never expected that one day, after turning into a woman, my tear ducts would actually revive like a withered tree coming back to life!
While I was thinking like a woman, someone knocked on the door. I went to open it lazily, and immediately saw old C rushing in. Old C nodded at me, then looked around: 'Xiaowu? Is Xiaowu home? Where is he?' My heart sank, knowing that old C didn't recognize me. I quickly jumped to his side, almost bumping my nose against his. I looked at him hopefully, hoping he would recognize me. But he just hesitated to look at me for a while, then continued searching through the cabinets for Xiaowu, muttering: 'Where did this brat go? Where did he run off to? He owes me 200 yuan still...'
After hearing this sentence, I ignored him.
Old C turned my room upside down but couldn't find the Xiao Wu he was looking for. Looking around frantically, he finally noticed me and said: 'Hello, I'm a friend of Xiao Wu's.' With a very sour feeling in my heart, I said to him: 'Hello, don't you recognize who I am?' Old C, probably still thinking about the two hundred bucks I owed him, said absentmindedly: 'Are you Xiao Wu's cousin? Younger cousin? Friend?' While perfunctorily talking to me, he kept glancing at the standing cabinet by the bed. I guessed he must have thought Xiao Wu was hiding inside to avoid debt. Sure enough, Old C strode over, but stopped after a few steps.
I secretly praised: This guy isn't completely stupid; he can still figure out that a cabinet 1 meter high and half a meter wide couldn't possibly hold a living adult, unless she was first raped and killed, then dismembered and chopped into small pieces to stuff inside.
Old C turned his head, looked at me a couple more times, and then said to me: 'When Xiao Wu comes back, tell him Old C came by and to give me a call.' I nodded, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. Damn it, should I tell him I am Xiao Wu or not? So, a fierce internal struggle began in my mind: to tell or not to tell! Old C is my good friend. If I don't even dare tell him, who else can I tell? Since Old C is my good friend, he should be able to believe me. Hmm! So I made up my mind, decided to break the pot since it's already cracked—I decided to tell him the truth.
I said, 'Old C, you should recognize me.' Old C said, 'You do look somewhat familiar, but I can't remember.' I said, 'I'll tell you the truth, but don't not believe me. I'm Xiao Wu.' Old C said, 'Don't joke. I'm a bit nearsighted, but I can still tell men from women. Xiao Wu is a man.' I said, 'Last night when we were drinking and fooling around, I was indeed a man. But when I woke up this morning, I suddenly found I'd turned into a woman...' Old C said, '...' I said, 'I know this is hard to accept, but we're good friends. You have to help me.' Old C said, 'I believe you. Then hurry up and pay me back that 200 yuan. I'm broke today.' I said, 'I don't dare pay you back. I'm afraid if I do, you won't believe me anymore.' Old C said, 'How did you know? You know me so well... I believe you. You must really be Xiao Wu.' I said, 'You can accept this weird thing?' Old C said, 'Sure. What weird things don't happen these days? The world's already gone crazy. Kafka even wrote 'The Metamorphosis.' There are people turning into beetles, so turning into a woman is nothing to make a fuss about.' I had nothing to say and shed tears of gratitude.
To be honest, Old C was really quite decent. Not only did he believe my utterly absurd story, but he also tried to counsel me, helped me come up with ideas, told me not to be discouraged or sad. Since I was a woman now, all the adult videos I had collected could be passed on to him—they were useless to me anyway, and if I wanted to watch, I could just hide under the covers and look at myself. Since I was a woman now, there was no need to stay in touch with A-Lei anymore; he would take over with A-Lei, and he would make her happy, ensuring she lived a blissful life, and so on.
I know Old C was joking with me. He has a very important principle in life: 'Never touch a friend's wife.' But his reason isn't noble at all: 'It's beneath me. I don't use second-hand goods my friends have used.'
Old C lit another cigarette, blowing smoke as he said to me: 'Xiao Wu, do you know what to do from now on?' I replied: 'Know my ass. The only thing I know is that before, I was the one fucking others; from now on, I'm the one getting fucked by others.' Old C mourned for me silently for three minutes, then continued: 'Don't be so pessimistic. Life is vast. Having a chance to live a different life halfway through is also your fortune. To be honest, I'm tired of being a man too. If I became a woman like you, I'd be overjoyed.' I said I'd help him, then went to the kitchen to look for a knife. Old C immediately turned pale, rushed over to stop me, and yelled at me: 'Don't be hysterical! I'm just trying to comfort you! Do you want to castrate me?'
I fell silent. Why am I so impulsive now...
Old C said I needed to calm down properly. He seemed to make a lot of sense. He also advised me not to tell A-Lei for the time being. Given A-Lei's temper, she'd definitely argue with me. I was terrified hearing that; I really didn't want to argue with her. When I was a man, I couldn't win arguments with her. Now that I've become a woman, with insufficient experience, I'd lose even more. Although I often see women arguing on the streets and in markets, and their dedication and self-forgetfulness during arguments really move me, I've been a woman for less than a day now, with zero social experience. How could I argue with her? I'm not someone who overestimates myself. I need to prepare properly first. Sun Tzu said: Do not fight a battle you are not sure of winning.
After Old C left, I collapsed on the bed, recalling every little detail of my past year with A-Lei. What were those little details?
Was it the day I rode my old, beat-up bicycle, taking her through the cobblestone alleys of old Shanghai under the sunset? Was it the day I held her hand, strolling through the quiet campus late at night? Was it the day she stood silently by my side, tears of grievance streaming down her cheeks? Was it the day I timidly walked behind her, watching her stomp her foot angrily and run off, followed by my tearful, pleading apologies? Was it the day I gently kissed her hand, seeing a flower-like smile bloom on her face? Was it when the swallows returned, and our crisp footsteps scattered in the park? Was it during the drizzling rain, hiding together under an umbrella, listening to her laughter mingling with the pattering rain? Was it...
Hold on, hold on, I'm almost moved by myself. Damn it, the thing down there is gone, and my train of thought is all messed up? Xu Zhimo said: I wave my knife, not taking away a single cloud. Look at how heroic, free-spirited, and unrestrained those who self-castrate are! Why am I so useless? Thinking of this, I slapped myself to snap out of my confused state.
I really feel better now. Now, when I'm with Ale, it's just a moment of confusion and being bewitched. Also, I told old C that men love for sex, while women have sex for love, and I think that's absolutely right. But then why do I involuntarily recall those sentimental things just now?
Then slap yourself again.
Calm down, calm down. In strategy, despise the enemy; in tactics, take the enemy seriously. In order to successfully say 88 to Alei, I have to quickly prepare some materials or some bullshit. Actually, material is bullshit—for example, I can casually pull a broken book from a bookcase full of spider webs, casually find a broken celebrity from the book, and casually quote a broken line from that celebrity: Am I really a cloud in the sky wearing pants—Mayakovsky. Look, this stupid-as-hell bullshit is the material I found. For example, I can also find the theoretical source for my turning into a woman from Zhang Xianliang’s book title—Half of a Man Is a Woman! But this sentence is also pure nonsense. By that logic, wouldn’t people become androgynous? Then why did I go to a massage parlor yesterday to find a hooker? Wouldn’t it be enough to just have sex with myself?
But... how did I turn into a woman? Absurd! Truly absurd! An illusion, a terrifying illusion! So I slapped myself again.
■■Transgender Diary 3 Section 3
The phone rang. Covering my cheek, which I had slapped until swollen, I picked up the receiver and immediately knew it was A Lei.
"You can get up now, you dead man!" I pinched my own throat hard, coughed twice forcefully, and answered in a rough voice: "Mm-mm..." "Mm-mm your head, what’s wrong with your throat?" "Mm-mm" "Then shall I come see you?" "NONO" "NO your head, then I won’t go." "Mm-mm" "I’m going anyway! Wang Xiaowu, you must have kept a mistress!" "NONO!"
Clack, over there, they threw the microphone.
The hell with him, when one thing’s not mentioned, he brings up another; I was just afraid of meeting A Lei, and this damn woman came looking for me. It’s really true that in life, nine out of ten things go wrong. Who would have thought? My heart is in Tianshan, my body already old in Cangzhou! I sighed sentimentally for a moment out of thin air, then quickly called Old C, because only this guy can help me now.
"Lao C, Lao C, I’m Xiaowu, I’m Xiaowu, please respond if you hear me." "Xiaowu, Xiaowu, I’m Lao C, I’m Lao C." "A Lei has already come charging toward me. I hope you can intercept her." "Received, received, I’ll do my best, I’ll do my best, but if I can’t hold her off, brother, don’t blame me for being incompetent." "You were incompetent to begin with." "Fuck your mother, you’ve already become a woman and still dare to bullshit with me." "..."
I hung up the phone very displeased.
Old C couldn't stop A-Lei at all. When A-Lei goes crazy, she's like a lioness on stimulants. I once accidentally angered her and was immediately bitten all over, a miserable sight. That afternoon, I was supposed to go to Old C's place to watch the latest Japanese AV video, but ended up hiding at home applying mercurochrome to disinfect. A-Lei even gloated and giggled, making fun of me.
Thinking of this, I was horrified. I quickly ran to the storage room, grabbed a burlap sack, wrapped myself in it, put an aluminum rice pot on my head, and curled up under the bed.
With a bang, the door was kicked open, and then came the sound of crackling: that was the noise from the garbage bags I threw at the entrance being stepped on. My doorway is piled with garbage bags, so traffic is often blocked, people coming to see me have to clear their own path, using their feet to kick open or crush the garbage bags.
Next, I heard the conversation between A-Lei and Old C.
“Wang Xiaowu, you dead fool, get out here!」「I told you, Xiaowu isn’t home.」「If he’s not home, then there’s a ghost. Then who answered my phone just now?」「He went out, he just left.」「He must be hiding somewhere and not daring to see me. He must have done something wrong to me. Just watch me drag that bastard out.”
At that moment, I was so terrified that I trembled like a sieve inside the sack. When the door was kicked open with a loud clang by A Lei, my heart spasmed, and then I passed out.
Now I have to ramble a bit and explain the feeling of passing out.
The feeling of nearly fainting is really amazing. At that moment, consciousness is very blurry, but you can float around everywhere. In Taoist terms, it's like the spirit leaving the body. Everything you see is colored and flowing, of course not in a single color but mixed together with beautiful layers. And one's consciousness also rises and falls with the flow of those beautiful colors. This feeling is truly fantastic, making you feel that the space you live in is so monotonous and boring, while this imagined space of consciousness is so beautifully vibrant.
Here, the people I see are all colored. For example, the A Lei I see is pink, a semi-transparent pink tinged with a beautiful halo. Although she is facing my corpse—oh, no, it shouldn't be called a corpse, but rather my unconscious body—she is crying over my fainted body. Yes, she is crying. The tears she sheds are also semi-transparent pink, dripping one by one onto the ground, surprisingly producing beautiful string music. I never knew A Lei could be so pretty, so beautiful. Now that I've fainted, I realize her beauty; it's somewhat sad and ironic. Similarly, when I was still a man, I didn't cherish her much either. But after I accidentally turned into a woman, I found she is extremely, extremely important to me. I don't even know how to explain this absurd thing to her face.
So without thinking, I fainted.
After fainting, everything became irrelevant to me—how nice. However, my consciousness saw me curled up pitifully in the sack, motionless like a dead mouse, my head drooping weakly, with that aluminum pot beside me. I began to feel a bit useless.
Ah Lei kept crying, kneeling right beside my body. At that moment, Old C quietly slipped out and closed the door. Although Old C had a hundred ways to make a clothed woman strip naked, he couldn't make a crying woman stop her tears and smile.
Now only my consciousness, my body, and my woman remain in the room—no, I said it wrong, my former woman. I silently watch her kneeling alone helplessly in the flowing, multicolored space, crying, shedding pink tears with a faint fluorescent glow. It looks incredibly beautiful, and also heartbreaking. This really isn't the A Lei I used to know. In my memory, she was a willful and impulsive girl, but now she's become so gentle and lovely. Does she only become like this when I pass out?
I can't know, because I'm no longer a man now, and probably won't have much of a relationship with her in the future.
I guess Alei already knew this fact; otherwise, she probably wouldn't have cried so hard. Anyway, it was the first time I saw her cry so wholeheartedly.
At this moment, my consciousness was gradually leaving her. Probably because the density of consciousness is lower than that of air, as my consciousness slowly drifted, it involuntarily floated upward. I tried hard to sink down, but it didn't obey me, still floating leisurely upward, gradually leaving A Lei, and finally floating out through the skylight.
Now my consciousness is no longer in that room; it has come outside. The sunlight outside is still glaring, shining on my consciousness, making me ache a bit. I look at the room, thinking that inside there is a woman crying for me, lamenting. In the sunlight, my consciousness slowly dissolves.
When I woke up, I found my consciousness had returned to my body, and I was lying peacefully in bed. A Lei was sitting by the bed, having already fallen asleep leaning on it, one hand still placed on my chest, making my face flush red with embarrassment instantly. I am a woman now; my chest cannot be touched casually, even by A Lei!
I rubbed my eyes, touched my head, and thought about what had just happened. It was like a dream, completely chaotic. It seems that ever since I became a woman, everything around me has become absurd and bizarre. I can no longer connect reality and fantasy. It's truly confusing; the whole world has become completely ridiculous, perverted, and is no longer the world I knew yesterday. Oh, right, when my consciousness was hazy earlier, I seemed to see A Lei crying over my body, with pink tears. I carefully examined A Lei's sleeping face. Good heavens, there really were a few tear streaks.
Real? Fake? Reality? Illusion? All I can do now is slap myself hard across the face.
"Smack!"
I shook my head, which was a bit dizzy from my own slaps, looked around, looked at the sleeping Alei, then looked at my own chest, and muttered, 'I *** still don't know if this is reality or an illusion...'
Transgender Chronicle 4, Section 4
Warm sunlight streamed in through the window, bathing me in a cozy warmth, yet I was still seething with anger inside. It was spring, the most beautiful season of the year. A quirky singer named Wang Lei sang a song like this: 'Spring has arrived, the mating season has come.' Yes, an old proverb also says: 'The key to the year lies in spring.' Originally, I could have been rolling around in my doghouse, on the soft bed, with my beloved A Lei under the gentle spring breeze and warm air, experiencing the greatness of love and the joy of intercourse. Afterward, I'd light up a Zhongnanhai cigarette and, amidst the swirling smoke, say deeply to A Lei, 'I love you, you are the brightest color in my life.' Using these cheesy lines to earn A Lei's affectionate kisses or sweet hugs.
Whenever I am in A Lei's embrace, I am so happy that I stop caring about everything, stop thinking about anything, as if the whole world is just the two of us, naked and embracing, like Adam and Eve.
How pathetic I am, forgetting myself completely once in a woman's embrace. So someone like me is destined to have little ambition.
I admit I don't have any grand ambitions or ideals. However, when I was 7 years old, my ideals were quite lofty—I always fucking thought about becoming an artist or a scientist. I still remember bragging to my childhood friends while we were naked and playing with mud: 'When I grow up and become a scientist, I'll have a big house, and we can play naked with mud every day!' Of course, this great ideal didn't come true. First, I didn't become a scientist when I grew up. Since starting middle school, I lost interest in studying because I felt everything I learned was complete bullshit. I also thought the reason parents and teachers made me study from childhood all the way through high school was to prevent me from playing naked with mud every day. Sometimes I think: if I had been playing with mud since childhood until now, I might have molded two villas by now. See, because of them, I can't even achieve my ideal of having a big house. Now I live in a small, rundown place like a doghouse.
Having grown up this much, I feel life is becoming increasingly unsatisfactory, yet increasingly something I have to adapt to. A foreign uncle named Albert Camus said the first half of life is an uphill climb, the second half downhill. It seems to teach us young people to cherish life, especially this first half. But I secretly think, how hard is the uphill climb? It's like a mountain porter, one step, one pit. The downhill path is easier, you can muddle through even with your eyes closed. Look at the life I'm living now, still on the uphill path? Every day I open wide my seemingly innocent little eyes, wear a smile, spout true and false nonsense, day after day, living like a decent human being in disguise. Only...
Only when drinking at a small restaurant with Old C in the evening did I dare to reveal my true self, laughing and joking, cursing heaven and earth, and then we would cry and complain to each other.
How helpless and repressed she felt; only after ejaculating and collapsing into A Lei's warm embrace did she realize what warmth was.
What is happiness? What does it mean that 'a woman's embrace is a man's paradise'?
Now, great, I've become a woman. I can't clink glasses recklessly with Old C anymore, I can't have sex with A Lei anymore. Can life even go on like this?!
While I was lost in random thoughts, A Lei beside me suddenly moved a bit, turned her face to the other side, and continued sleeping drowsily. I was startled at first, then relieved. Scared me, I thought she had woken up. Actually, I understand that A Lei couldn't stay unconscious like this forever; I still have to face what needs to be faced, and I still have to explain to A Lei what needs to be explained. But I'm just the kind of person who doesn't like to take responsibility, afraid of getting involved in things. So when A Lei wanted to come to my messy place to find me, I tried every way to have Old C cover for me.
I'm scared, I'm afraid of seeing A Lei's angry face with tears in her eyes. I'd definitely hang my head like a dog that lost a fight, feeling helpless in front of her. Although I've always believed in this truth: 'Women have sex for love, men love for sex,' I still can't help but not want to hurt A Lei. I always feel she's like a beautiful piece of porcelain; you can't let her get hurt. Once hurt, she'll crack from the inside and then explode.
I remembered again how Ah Lei and I met (for detailed plot, please refer to my 'Wang Xiaowu's Love Story').
), back then I was crazy about the internet, shuttling between chat rooms and BBS. Because I felt that being able to irresponsibly spout off in chat rooms and BBS was a very cathartic and enjoyable thing. If I wanted, I could find someone to curse out, and that person would be so angry their nose would be crooked but still couldn't find me, haha, it was really interesting. Later, one day I racked my brains and wrote a poem that I am most proud of to this day, then found a BBS to publish it. The text of the poem is as follows:
I love women, oh... women don't love me, oh... I still love women, oh... women still don't love me, oh...
ＯＶＥＲ。
I personally think this poem is absolutely brilliant. But to be honest, this poem isn't my original creation; the first two lines were actually written by Mr. Lu Xun, though the last two lines are indeed mine. Mr. Lu Xun was such a great man; I'm just elaborating on his lines a bit. I don't think anyone would accuse me of plagiarism. Besides, all writing under the sun is borrowed; who can remember who copied whom?
But I didn’t expect the people online to be so vulgar. It would have been one thing if they didn’t give me any face, but they didn’t even give Master Lu Xun any face. No one paid any attention to my poem at all; it was left cold and lonely in a corner of the BBS. I was furious, and cursed unhappily: so vulgar, so vulgar, a bunch of vulgar people, and they don’t even know how to appreciate such an excellent literary work. Just as I was raging with anger, I found someone had replied under my poem, writing: “Haha, then let me love you.”
The girl who posted this reply was A Lei. That's how we met, then dated, went shopping, ate ice cream while shopping, which upset my stomach several times and gave me cavities. When we were almost tired of eating, she rightfully became my girlfriend.
So our meeting wasn't romantic at all, so I've always doubted whether the love between the male and female leads in those soap operas on TV, where they love each other to death, is real or fake, so I think a girlfriend is roughly equivalent to ice cream. But this girlfriend, who was almost exchanged for ice cream, cried tears after I became a woman. This world is truly unreasonable, unreasonably outrageous. Is it destined in the unseen that although I bought her ice cream just to exchange for her cute and innocent smile, the ice cream melted into sweet water and flowed into her stomach, but turned into bitter tears and returned to me?
Damn it, now I feel that I, who have become a woman, am not pitiful; Alei is the pitiful one, actually shedding tears for someone like me. What exactly is love? It can make people willingly degenerate. I really think Alei shedding tears because of me is a form of degradation. Me, such a worthless man, whose greatest daily joy is going to a dirty, dark little restaurant with Old C to drink a few shots of Erguotou, and after getting drunk, still going to a hair salon behind Alei's back to vent desires; me, such a man without ideals, my ideals were eaten by dogs long ago, long damn accustomed to the repetitive day-to-day life, falling into the pathetic cycle of life without resistance; me, such a man who doesn't understand love, love in my eyes is ridiculous and absurd, just like the soap operas on TV every day, falling into clichés, nothing fresh; me, such a man who treats desire as emotion, I always thought only going to bed is real, everything else is bullshit and nonsense, talking about love is worse than honestly earning more money.
I'd rather deceive myself into thinking Ah Lei's tears were just a moment of confusion, and these tears are enough to be the most sorrowful and helpless gift since I became a woman. Enough, let's not dwell on it. Someone said: life is like being raped; since resistance is futile, you might as well enjoy it. Life goes on, the rape continues; the only change is that before, I was the one fucking others, now others are fucking me. No big deal.
Just as I had finally come to terms with it, A-Lei woke up...
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